Let’s Talk About Men

Let’s talk about something extremely important. Men. Today, some women hate men because of all the terrible things that have been happening to them. Let me tell you, it does not mean that men don’t go through difficult times. Of late, the role of women in society has changed. They are no more mere home makers – they are professionals who are economically independent, well-educated and assertive, and not necessarily dependent on their male partners to fulfill their needs. Women are brutally assaulted – yes, but so are men. Only a handful of females report about their attacks, so how can you naively expect a man to report about his abuse, when there is an extreme stigma about his gender?

When a man speaks up about his assault, he is judged and asked: Why wasn’t he strong enough to fight the perpetrator? Why wasn’t he man enough to defend himself? People take sexual advantage of men who are gay. They, being homophobic, then blame it on them saying that being gay, they must have asked for it. Someone who is assaulted goes through various mental traumas like anxiety, depression, eating disorders and flashbacks. An assault is an assault, be it towards any gender. Our fight should be against assaults, not towards the gender.

It is said that domestic violence is something only women face, but let me surprise you, there are men who are tormented by their wives or their spouse’s relatives, in a way we all can’t even fathom. If a man who has faced domestic violence tries to talk about it, no one tries to help him. Instead they first judge him for not being able to be ‘masculine’ enough to stand up to her and end up questioning him saying that how could he be so weak that she could beat him. This does not only affect the way the man is treated but also the way the society looks at him and the way they look at a woman.

Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act, 2005, provides protection to wives and female live-in partners from domestic violence carried out by husbands, male live-in partners or their relatives. But wait, not only this ‘law’ fiddles with what gender neutrality means, but also generalises that the assaults are done by only one gender. Thus, this act protects only women from domestic violence and not men. Owing to this loophole there have been cases where females took advantage of this law, to excruciate their male partners, for revenge or monetary reasons. Fast forward to August 2017, an important milestone for men’s right had been undertaken when the Supreme Court of India ruled that men also needed protection from women making unsubstantiated domestic harassment claims. False dowry demand and domestic violence cases filed by wives against the family of their husbands are not uncommon.

Toxic masculinity is a very misunderstood term. It means a man has to have strength, virility, and dominance, and that is socially unfit or harmful to one’s mental health.

My direct question is, why? Why do they always have to be strong, apathetic, abusive or authoritative, especially over women? Why can’t they cry? Why can’t they talk about their personal feelings? Moreover, why do they have to suppress their feelings on the first hand? We always say let a woman be who she is, why can’t we say the same for men? Why can’t men be level headed? Why can’t our society accept a man for who he is?

Men and women are both humans, they both have mental health issues. They both go through this enormous pressure of standing up to their gender roles. If a man does not work, he is said to be a disappointment who can’t provide enough for his family. Such faulty notions have given rise to cases of bullying. According to a survey conducted by Times of India, 60% of primary school students face bullying, out of which only 18% are reported to school authorities. Only about 15% of domestic violence cases are reported by women and remains mostly unreported when committed on men, due to the stigma attached to their masculinity by the society.

From being a form of rulership to a social bracket where a male has to prove his worth, masculinity has aged badly. Though, repeated highlighting of bullying cases, more attentive school counselors, re-evaluating very common household statements like ‘boys don’t cry’, and framing more ‘gender conclusive phrases’, will help us to rectify incorrect labels that are sown at a tender age. Arranging workshops, seminars talking about emotions and psychology in general, will not only help us help us in how to deal with them but also tackle the stigma formed for the genders.

Making more and more celebrities vocal about the issue of Masculinity will help us to gain mass public attention, thereby uncovering the atrocities so practiced in the name of ‘True masculinity’. Such actions provide a promising hope to curb the dilemma and make the term masculinity, more appropriate. Also, the government needs to bring in a legislation on domestic violence, which is gender neutral to replace the existing one, which is biased towards woman.

I would like to conclude by quoting, Mrs. Madhuri Dixit Nene that,

“For so long people have been teaching their sons that boys don’t cry. So, let’s teach them that boys don’t make anyone cry”.